Professor Murphy's New Year's Resolutions

"Should auld resolutions be forgot"...whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. Those are not the lyrics, and you know it. A feline next to you rings in the New Year with awesome solutions to support your resolution resolve. We felines know it can be difficult to lose a few pounds, stop smoking, go back to school, get out of debt and keep track of it all without whacking our wee brains westward. So, Professor Murphy to the rescue to help perk up your New Years into a productive, pleasant and prosperous one by giving you 22 of a Feline’s Eye View on realistic Resolutions.

A Cat's New Years’ Resolutions

1. I will remember that some of my human’s possessions are NOT toys. (Oops! Caught me!).

2. I will pay attention to my owner at all times, not just before a meal.

3. I will seriously consider entering a 12 step program for that cat nip addiction I have been suffering from.

4. I will come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

5. I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep.

6. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

7. I will remember computer and TV screens do not exist to back-light my lovely tail.

8. I will only regurgitate food and fur-balls on a tiled surface.

9. I will sleep as much as possible each and every day. The importance of this cannot be overestimated.

10. I will not wake before dawn to play games that require my human's participation, and then incessantly request their presence.

11. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run right out for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

12. I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

13. I will remember screaming at the can of tuna will not make it open itself.

14. I will remember when it rains; it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

15. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

16. I will remember when my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

17. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35a.

18. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

19. I will remember a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

20. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!”

21. I will forget all the above and just BE MYSELF!

22. Lastly, I vow never again to waste precious nap time making New Years’ resolutions. This delusional practice is better left to humans. We cats have 9 lives to live, thank you very much!

These resolutions can be taken as fictional and no promises are made that your kitty will comply. No actual person, event or feline is depicted.